At last I got time to sit and think

"At last I got time to sit and think, what I said, did and believed, was it worthwhile or over drink. If it appeared any good then, why does it now stink, if it were to empower me, why now do I feel a slink."

I wake up each day to a stereotype IT Professional life, which may sound fundoo but it ain't one bit better than that of a Doodie-man (look it up in Google). Punching keys, scratching heads, breakfast to dinner on the system bed.

Sometime back someone asked me,"What contribution have you made till now in any field in your life?"

This had to be a sitter, right, but it wasn't. 24 years and I haven't done nothing! Really nothing!

They called me lazy, even I believed so, but when I pulled myself from the instance to have an eagle's eye, I saw myself as a character in a black and white mute movie, running on a fast forward mode on a VCR. Waking, eating, working, eating, working, eating, working and sleeping. After this herculean phenomenon, none of which I really like or crave for, I haven't ever had time to do anything constructive at all.

My idle brain shouts,"USE ME" and I procrastinate it by saying what we say to death everyday,"NOT TODAY". But the other guy in me shouts, laughs and scorns at me, teases me for doing nothing. And before he can ally himself with the mind and heart and rub me into the guilt salt, I sleep off to wake up for the marathon of nothing again.

So basically its a life where we do "nothing", and since it now makes me feel a lilliputian, I will rephrase it to "nothing of repute".

How did I get here? This is not where I wanted to be when I started the journey some half a decade back. Oh, the journey and oh, the destination!

When I fell to my wits, I was standing ashore with a mob, a huge mob, astray, running hither and thither like bees out of a disturbed honeycomb, like men being chased by a raging bull, except, there was no bull. I stood, gazing for a moment on the banks of the river. It took me less than a moment to realize that I was on the wrong shore, I stepped back but couldn't, I cried for way, they wouldn't. I still search him who pushed me in the river with a gentle push, and the currents took me then to where they could. I was already in it, pushed, paddled and manhandled into the engineer's world. Never did, yet achieved(sounds respectful as compared to just happened). Call it fate, call it accident. It was like standing on a shore, pushed by a friend frantically, and streamed away to some other shore.

Never thought how and why, just meandered along senselessly, thoughtlessly, lifelessly.

"At last I got time to sit and think, what I said, did and believed, was it worthwhile or over drink. If it appeared any good then, why does it now stink, if it were to empower me, why now do I feel a slink."

I was colorful as a rainbow, vibrant as the sun. I was the north star just sometime back. My mind was scared, indecisive, what I had left behind, and now when I think, I wish I could rewind.

"Yes, I'll excel", came to my mind, I'd rather run into time, pushing the arms with full strength, not realizing, the faster I do, the faster I'd fall in the next drench.

It wasn't a competition, it was a run of thieves, a barter of give and take, an endless rugby game. And now they ask,"Why you failed?"

Why I walked this path? Why, when I knew I'd be without laurels and stars? Sometimes I wonder too, "Have I really failed? Have all my dreams and aspirations of making it big, been nailed?"

"At last I got time to sit and think, what I said, did and believed, was it worthwhile or over drink. If it appeared any good then, why does it now stink, if it were to empower me, why now do I feel a slink."

Witty, I thought, by the time I came out, on the confluence of study and job, thought I'd now be away from that spine chilling mob. And yet, now I realize, witty I was not, I was just the same bot strung with time and tide, yet absent mind and thought. Sheepishly, another wave had usurped me, pushing, paddling, and manhandling me into the IT job.

I now rebel, to every compel. I now rebel, no more compel.

However lost, I find myself, yet there lives a belief of finding the shelf, where I'd arrange my dreams and aspirations. A belief that surfaces every now an then, a belief that will push me to satisfaction. Amen!

Time has to be thanked, even for the turmoils it flanked, all along my way; but always pushing me to bay.
Time has to be thanked as it always swooped me away from the sights of failure, whenever I was about to cry; it threw me on another scene where every time I had to get to get up and try, again and again.

"At last I got time to sit and think, what I said, did and believed, was it worthwhile or over drink. If it appeared any good then, why does it now stink, if it were to empower me, why now do I feel a slink."

It is a journey I must continue, for that is exactly what I am supposed to do. But enough, I shall do it with my own "slow pace", I ain't running no more in the world's "rat race".